Shame has been on my mind a lot lately. Not me being ashamed, but the concept of shame. And how it wreaks havoc on people. 

It’s bad news bears, and I’m pretty sure you can’t convince me otherwise (although you’re welcome to try). I believe shame is something we are taught in childhood. It’s a manipulative tool used to control us.

It turns out it’s a lot easier to have someone patrol their own actions than having to do it all the time yourself! That’s what shame does. It forces people to patrol their own actions, but it’s at the benefit of someone else.

It’s not something innate within us. It’s about what other people want us to believe is bad so we don’t do it. One of the biggest problems with this is that it can absolutely destroy people. 

When we have shame around mental illness, vulnerability, physical weakness, it can lead us to not ask for help or what we need. And at times, it can get to the point where it literally kills us. Shame is toxic for the individual.

It is only helpful for upholding power structures. Again, it’s much easier to have people police themselves than to have someone else police them all the time. And please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.

I’m not saying that we don’t need to have laws and consequences for our actions. In society, we need rules and expectations for how to live alongside one another. But we can have consequences for actions without shame in the equation.

Shame allows wounds to fester, become infected, and spread. The person who has shame around the trauma that happened to them hides from others and is afraid to get help. Which can lead to debilitating PTSD that permeates their entire life.

There is no room for shame if you want to learn to love and value yourself. It will get in the way of your personal growth journey every single time. So what do we do about shame?

Brené Brown says that the antidote to shame is vulnerability. We shine a light on the dark places that scare us, and bring all of that stinky, dusty stuff out into the sun and fresh air. Vulnerability hoses off all the shame until we are left with what really is rather than what we fear it to be.

When we face our shame, we can accept reality as it is. We can take a deep breath and see what we really have to work with. And then we can get to work moving forward with our values, our hopes and dreams, and the resources at our disposal.

You can start small, with the little flashlight on your phone. But I hope you will work up to shining that light so bright your neighbors complain. Let that floodlight burn away your shame and allow you to face yourself as the beautiful, flawed human that you are. 

Love you,

Jess

It’s amazing how much we accomplish WITHOUT giving ourselves credit for it. Getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. Putting clothes on is an accomplishment. Taking a shower, walking the dog, feeding your children. These are all accomplishments.

We don’t think of them that way, often because they have become part of our routine and we don’t notice the energy we expend doing these things. At least not until our world turns upside down. Maybe we become depressed, suffer an injury, or fall ill, and suddenly those easy tasks become a challenge. 

When something like that happens, we tend to beat ourselves up instead of acknowledging how much we had been doing up until then. We say, “Jeez! Even getting out of bed is hard,” discrediting our efforts to begin with. We think that if we aren’t doing EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME ALL AT ONCE, then clearly there’s something wrong with us.

But that’s society’s insistence that we be productive in order to justify taking up space. The reality is that we are already enough as we are, and we do enough just by showing up in the world every day. Even if that means we wake up in the morning and roll back over in bed. 

Your worth as a human being is not made up of the things you do, the accomplishments you achieve, or your impact on society. You’re born with it, baby. Just like energy, your worth is conserved. 

Cars may depreciate in value, but not you. You’re just as valid and worthy as any other being on this planet. And you didn’t need to do anything to earn that. You just are.

I believe this deep in my bones, even though I often don’t think it applies to me. Ha! Aren’t humans funny? 

To believe something about other people but struggle to see it yourself. Again, an example of programming that messes with our view of reality.  But that’s ok. 

I can keep coming back to my understanding of other people’s worth, and slowly remind myself that I am worthy too. It’s ok that I didn’t accomplish every single goal I set out to accomplish this week. What’s more important to me is that I made a few people smile, enjoyed snuggling with my dog, and soaked up a little sunshine. 

Those things matter to me more than ticking off boxes on my to-do list. We are all human beings, not human doings. In the words of neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, “Although many of us may think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, biologically we are feeling creatures that think.”

One of the reasons I (and many other people) struggle to enjoy simply being is that business has been a way to ignore my emotions. It has been a way to disconnect from myself and drown out hard truths I don’t want to hear. But like any other addiction, it comes at a cost.

According to Mirriam-Webster, an addiction “is a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence.” 

I think that definition does a good job of covering the meaning of addiction in its entirety. But to simplify, my rule of thumb is that an addiction is any habit that feels good in the moment, is used to run away from something else, and bites you in the butt in the long-term. Some habits function as an addiction for one person, but a perfectly healthy habit for someone else.

My main addictions are staying way too busy and emotional eating. Both of these addictions are habits I picked up during my childhood, and I have a pretty good understanding of why I have them. I’m working on tackling that first addiction.

When I stop being busy, I start to get very anxious. I tend to think of myself as being lazy or incompetent for taking a day off. I feel like a piece of trash. The existential dread sets in of “WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?!” I want to start climbing the walls.

But I can redirect myself by finding gentle activities that I genuinely enjoy. Taking myself out to brunch, soaking up some sunshine, enjoying a walk in nature, reading a good book, taking a bubble bath, snuggling with my dog. It’s taking time and patience, but I’m beginning to step off the hamster wheel so I can live with intention.

As for the emotional eating? I’m not ready to tackle that yet, and that’s ok. We can’t do everything all at once. It doesn’t work that way. 

I have a plan for when I’m ready, but I’m not there yet. And for once, I’m not beating myself up about it. I’m giving myself a little grace to focus on one thing at a time.

With that, I will leave you to remember you are worthy exactly as you are. And I invite you to gently explore the habits that may serve as addictions for you. Are you ready to begin pulling one of those threads?

I’m back to it after a hiatus. I’ve been busy putting my heart and soul into my endeavors with the launch of The Abi Normal Society. It feels good to have clarity for what feels like the first time in many months. 

Like many other people, I get overwhelmed by the amount of chaos and suffering in the world. Reading the news often takes me into a dark place, and sometimes it’s hard to not want to stay in bed forever. 

But I have an opportunity to help other people build resilience in their lives. To help people learn to love themselves more profoundly and bounce back from hardships. I believe having more resilient people will lead to more solutions to our world’s problems. 

So I’m pushing myself to get these ideas and resources out there, because it feels like the one thing I can do to help. My self-doubt often rears its ugly head, yelling things like, “Who do you think you are to do this stuff? No one will listen to you! You want to be paid for this? Ha!”

But I keep going despite the onslaught of criticisms in my mind. Because this stuff matters, and I know I can use the knowledge and skills I’ve gained over the last 29 years of my life to help other people in big ways. I can do this, despite being my own biggest obstacle.

I have to laugh because I’ve been saying for YEARS that we are often our own biggest obstacle in life. It doesn’t really matter what obstacles other people put in your way. The biggest obstacles come from you believing you can’t overcome them and putting up your own barriers in the process.

Getting out of your own way can be one of the hardest things in life. Maybe it is the number one hardest thing in life! You are the gatekeeper for your behavior, your intentions, your thoughts, your actions. 

We have more power than we can possibly understand, and yet we are the biggest restraint of that power. I know from experience that practicing self-compassion and reframing our narratives helps us to loosen that restraint. But I have yet to figure out how to really get out of my own way.

It’s a lifelong journey. To learn and love and grow and explore. Some of us strive for enlightenment. Others strive to own their home and retire someday. 

I don’t have all the answers, and the truth is that none of us will ever have all the answers. And that’s ok. The unknown is part of what makes life fun and exciting.

If we can learn to embrace the discomfort that comes with facing the unknown, we can ease into the journey and enjoy the ride. They call this surrendering. I’m definitely still working on it, but I can say without a doubt that I’m better at surrendering to life’s crazy plan now than I was even two years ago.

Cheers to self-love and resilience. May it change our world for the better.

After a colossally crappy week last week, I hit the ground running on Monday. Sometimes you need a few poor decisions to slap you in the face and wake you up to what you’re doing with your time. So here I am!

Even though I started my blog back in February of 2022, I started showing up for this work at the end of July. When I began thinking out-loud through my writing, I was terrified to express my true thoughts and feelings on the World Wide Web.

But the more I do it, the easier it gets (like most things in life). Putting my thoughts out into the world under my own name has helped me to find my voice again. And now, dear readers (hi mom & dad!), it’s time to pivot yet again. 

I’ve rebranded my ideas under the Abi Normal Society. Remember when I told you I wanted to launch a community coffee house where everyone was welcome and we’d have lots of different classes and things? Well, this is my online version of that dream.

The Abi Normal Society aims to provide community support, resources, and tools for people to love and value themselves just as they are. I wanted to rebrand because this concept is so much bigger than me and its eventual success will be because of the wonderful people that will (and already have) come together to make it the wonderful society it will be. Dr. Jess will help get ‘er off the docks, but it’s going to take a lot of other wonderful people to keep her afloat.

I’m rebranding everything. All my social media accounts, my newsletter (which is Abi Normal News by the way), and soon I will have a new website as well. Yesterday I launched a facebook group for people to come together to support one another on this journey: Self-Love & Self-Worth for Misfits. Come and join us if you’re so inclined!

Part of me feels like I have no freaking clue how to do all this stuff, but that’s ok. My mentor told me that every time I feel imposter syndrome leering at me to remember why I’m doing this. I’m doing this for people to feel seen, valued, heard. 

You may be wondering why in the heck I named this brand the Abi Normal Society. Unless you’ve seen Young Frankenstein, you’re probably like “What a weird name…” And if you have seen Young Frankenstein, did I nail it or what?!

But I digress. In Mel Brooks’ movie, Young Frankenstein, there’s a scene after they’ve brought the ‘monster’ to life and things aren’t really going well. Dr. Frankenstein, his assistant Igor, and the lovely Elizabeth have a debrief about why things are a hot mess. 

Dr. Frankenstein turns to Igor and asks, “Now, that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Dell Brooks?” Turns out, no. It sure wasn’t. 

Frankenstein’s follow up question is, “Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?” Igor responds, “Abi someone… Abi Normal.” Lolz. Frankenstein loses his shit over the fact that he unknowingly put an “abnormal” brain into this ungodly, reconstructed hulk of a human.

That’s the scene, and I’ve been quoting it since I was a child. Why did I choose this scene to represent my new brand, you ask? A few reasons. 

For one, Young Frankenstein is a great movie and I love me some comedy. But more importantly, we’re all a bit Abi… Abi Normal. Every single one of us has our flaws, baggage, insecurities, and imperfections. And every single one of us, just like Frankenstein’s monster, is worthy of love no matter how Abi Normal we are.

I can’t think of a better sentiment to bring my new monster– I mean society into this world. While I continue this transition, I will probably continue to write on my personal website because it’s therapeutic to me and maybe it’s enjoyable for a small handful of people to read.

If you’re interested in joining this merry band of misfits, come say hi to me in our FB group or subscribe to Abi Normal News to get some great info on the stuff we all face as Abi Normal humans and ideas on how we can navigate them the best we can.

I’d been worried that my pap smear would show I had cervical cancer after my abnormal results the past two years, but I was so relieved to discover it is now normal. Tuesday I started to worry about the nerves in my back as I began to have worsening right leg pain and now numbness and tingling in my right foot. Yay.

Wednesday night I was put in a compromising situation in which I felt completely violated and totally confused. Thursday morning I had to deal with the complete shit show that was Wednesday night and deal with the consequences of my presence in that shit show. Thursday evening ended in a blow up between my parents. 

Friday morning I was told my parents may be separating (which may be a false alarm??) The gnawing anxiety started to set in on Saturday and Sunday. It said to me, “You need to get your shit together!! Things are falling apart around you and you need to protect yourself!!”

I’m having to combat that feeling. When it comes, I feel the need to push myself harder, do more, take on more. But most of the time that doesn’t really help me. It just adds to the chaos and increases my stress rather than relieving it.

Brené Brown talks about how when we’re overwhelmed we just need to STOP. It makes sense, but I feel like I’ve been in a state of overwhelm for the last two years of my life. And I do stop periodically, but the waves of overwhelm come back again.

I suppose that’s life though, right? Like I wrote about earlier, life isn’t just linear. It’s cyclical too. We figure some things out, and feel like total noobs in other situations. It’s just the way of life.

One of the things I need to deal with is the fact that I tend to sabotage myself in the face of success, especially when it relates to my own goals. I had a fitness coach once, a wonderful woman who I think about often, who told me I seem to have a fear of success. She noticed that every time I was kicking ass and doing really well in my fitness journey, I would start to sabotage myself.

I’ve seen myself do the same thing in other areas of my life too. I wish I could tell you why. Part of me doesn’t think I’m deserving of success. Part of me is afraid it will add more to my plate– that people will want even more from me when I’m successful. Maybe it has to do with my trauma from when I was a child. 

I really don’t know the full reason why I do this. But it’s a habit I have. And I’m fighting it right now. 

I want to build a space for people who struggle to believe they’re enough to be able to come together, support each other, and work through that crap. I have gifts I want to share to help people love themselves, just as I’m working so hard to love myself. Because I believe that is what truly matters the most on this planet. We all have worth as humans, no matter what package we’ve arrived here in or how that package changes over the years. 

And yet that judgy asshole in my head can’t help but yell, “Who the fuck are you to do this? Why should people listen to you? You want them to give you MONEY to do this kind of stuff? You’ve gotta be kidding yourself!”

That voice finds validation in the random comments from people off the internet: “This woman is clearly insecure. She’s in no condition to be coaching people!” or “Wow, her bio reads like one long self-congratulatory statement.”  Yeesh.

Despite the judgy assholes in my head and online, despite my insecurities, my flaws, my imperfections, I’m pushing forward. Because it’s not about me. It’s about the value of fighting for people to be themselves. 

That’s what I am doing. Sometimes not in the most eloquent way, but I’m fighting for other people (and myself) to be themselves. Their whole selves, not just the parts society likes. I’m fighting for the ugly parts, the parts people are afraid of, disgusted by, and indignant about. 

Because we all deserve to be seen for who we really are. We deserve to live our lives in a way that honors our own journey and lived experiences. That’s what I’m fighting for.

Self-sabotage be damned. I’m pushing forward and will do the very best I can to deliver on this vision of creating a space for people to feel loved, valued, and accepted exactly as they are.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” 

Throughout my life I’ve gravitated towards the “misfits” of the world. The people who don’t quite fit in, who carry the label of “weird”, who don’t conform in the way society tells them they’re supposed to. I love these people.

When you meet me, you might not think I’m one of these people at first glance. I’ve perfected the art of being someone other people want me to be. I’m really good at putting total strangers at ease and finding areas of common ground to talk about.

I can talk to people of all ages, backgrounds, creeds, and affiliations. But this is a skill I learned over the years. I’ve learned how to put other people’s stories first and hide my own.

When I’m by myself I burst into song, make weird noises, dance around, talk to myself, make funny faces. I spin wild ideas I think could solve the world’s problems while my bedroom is littered with dirty clothes, a million water glasses, and papers I never put away. I cackle loudly at puns and slapstick humor.

I am a misfit in my own right, I just learned to hide it when I thought I needed to. I learned to tone myself down to be more palatable for the majority of people. Not too loud, not too bold, not too smart, not too energetic… I watered myself down to try to fit in.

But doing all of that comes at a steep cost. It led me to disconnect from myself more and more to the point that I became suicidal. The more I tried to be less, the less I wanted to live. And to me, that is far too steep a price to pay. 

So I’m learning to peel back the layers of conditioning, suppression, and silence. Bit by bit, I let my weird bubble out. I laugh loudly. I censor myself less. I swear more (which is my natural state). 

And sometimes this is freaking painful. When we suppress ourselves for so long, we have lots of emotions that have been aching to get out. We have relationships that suddenly implode. Jobs that are suddenly intolerable.

But this process is also a breath of fresh air. Because the one thing I am certain we are all meant to do in our lifetimes is to learn to love the people we are. When we make a commitment to learn to love all our parts (even the ones other people tell us are ugly, smelly, mean, and wrong), a massive weight is lifted. 

We were born into this body, and one day we will die in it. So much of the external world is out of our control, but we do have control over the relationship we decide to have with ourselves. It is the only relationship that is truly one-sided, and it is the relationship that matters the most.

The world is big enough to hold the diversity of humans it has. It’s big enough for the weirdos, the suits, the artists, the stay-at-home moms and dads, the nerds, the shut-ins, the hippies, the dominatrixes, the geeks, the dreamers, the gym rats… There’s enough room for all of us.

Humans come in all different flavors, and isn’t that wonderful? Without diversity of thought, body, and experience, how would we survive? I think it’s one of the things that makes our species stunning. 

So the next time you find yourself pushing down the parts of you that you think are wrong or weird or unlikeable, don’t. You are a freaking masterpiece, and your presence on this planet is not only valid, it’s a gift. Find the people who celebrate the awesomeness that you are, and don’t worry about the ones that don’t get you. Those people aren’t for you, and vice versa.

And if you’re thinking, “I don’t know anyone who celebrates me for me!” then you need to start by celebrating yourself. Your relationship with yourself comes first. As you reconnect with you, you will find the right people on your way. Have faith in yourself and your inner awesomeness.

Some weeks we have more to deal with than we have time in the day. In those weeks, we let other things slide. For example, I didn’t write a newsletter this week, nor did I write a blog post every day of the week. But that’s ok.

Life is cyclical. There are times when things are going well, and times when you feel like you’re drowning in chaos. Sometimes life is boring, other times it’s a whirlwind of excitement. There are new beginnings and bittersweet (or sometimes god-awful) endings.

We tend to think of life and time as a linear process, especially as members of society. When we’re children, we have developmental milestones to meet. We go to school and progress through the grades until we graduate from high school. 

We continue this illusion of life being linear. After high school, many of us go to college, or trade school, or we get a job. Many aspire to be married, buy a house, have kids. There are more and more boxes to check off as time marches on.

But a lot of life is actually cyclical. As Steven Moffat writes for Dr. Who, “People assume time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.”

Then we have the writers of The Good Place, where in season 3, episode 5 Michael explains to Eleanor that “in the afterlife time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something, like… Jeremy Bearimy. This is the timeline in the afterlife. Happens to kinda look like the name Jeremy Bearimy in cursive English, so that’s what we call it.”

My point is, it’s not always helpful to us to look at time as only being linear. We have things that happened in the past that may affect us in the future in unexpected ways, or ways we never come to understand. We have beginnings and middles and ends happening simultaneously.

When we embrace the reality that time is not purely linear, it removes the pressure to check off all of these boxes. The two certainties we have are that we were born, and we will one day die. Everything else in between is a mystery and great adventure.

There is no rule book we are born with which tells us exactly what to do in life. And while that is sometimes super frustrating, it also means that each one of us is free to make up the rules of our own life. Yes, in order to live in society, there are certain societal rules we must follow (i.e. laws). 

But beyond those concrete laws set up by society, we are free to make up much of how we live our lives. Every single one of us is making things up as we go along. We are free to change our minds, try different things, and make new decisions. 

Perfection is an illusion many of us chase, but none of us can live a ‘perfect’ life. We can only live our own lives. And we get to decide what that means for us on an individual level.

Embracing the messiness of time and the messiness of our own lives allows us to show up in the world with more compassion for ourselves and others. We can learn to love the imperfection and whimsy that is this “big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.” And in turn, we can learn to love our imperfect, crazy lives.

It’s only in hindsight that we can see how we came to face such a large pile of crap. But unfortunately, hindsight isn’t very helpful when we’re facing the crap. I can tell you that I’ve used hindsight to bludgeon myself more times than I can count.

Hindsight can be helpful to us when we want to come up with strategies for preventing the same crappy situation from occurring again. But when we use it to beat ourselves up, it’s like being mad at yourself for not being superman. That’s just silly!

We can only make the best decisions we can with the information that is available to us in that moment. It’s easy to look back, after we have more information, and tell ourselves how dumb we were. Sometimes our priorities were not quite aligned, and we chose one priority over the other and it led to a painful outcome. 

But when we can learn from what happens without beating ourselves up, that’s where the value lies in hindsight. Why all this talk about hindsight today?

Two nights ago I found myself in a pickle. (A poo pickle, if you will.) And when I woke up in the morning, the pickle was still there to deal with. The options available to me were not very appealing– in fact they freaking sucked. 

When I first found myself in this pickle, my first reaction was to say to myself, “I’m such a sucker! How could I be so naive?!” I quickly moved into self pity, “Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to be the one to deal with this right now?!” Eventually I found my way into acceptance. 

The shit had already hit the fan, and it was time to deal with the aftermath. That’s why I think in these moments, when we are left with the shit no one else wants to deal with, we are best served by our courage. It is through courage, not shame, that we can make the best decisions for ourselves in those challenging times.

You have to put hindsight, blame, and shame aside when you are in problem solving mode. Whatever it was has already happened. Beating yourself up will only serve to increase your panic and zap your critical thinking skills.

Courage helps us see which path is the best path forward amidst the chaos. Through courage, we can take action despite our fear. It is only after we have settled the matter at hand that we can gently bring hindsight into the picture to study the event that unfolded.

So what can you do to face your steaming pile of crap (or pickle, or whatever else you want to call it)? 

Start by taking a deep breath (maybe near a nice candle or slap on some Vicks vapo rub to avoid the stench). Come back to your values and ask yourself, “What do I think is best at this moment? What can I do that aligns most with my values?”

Sit with those thoughts for a bit, not the thoughts about what other people will think or how it is the most awful thing in the world to happen to you. Remind yourself that every single person on this planet makes mistakes. Remember that you’re not the first person to find yourself in this pickle.  

Let the emotions that come up flow through you without attaching a meaning or story to them. Feel the emotions come and go, remember your values, and breathe. A solution will come to you, even though you may still feel uncertain and afraid. Courage will help you to act anyway. 

After the dust has settled, then take a peek at hindsight. That is the time to see what nuggets of wisdom you can get out of the crap pile you just conquered. Happy shoveling! 

But just because my inner critic is grumpy and my motivation is lacking today doesn’t mean I don’t need to show up for myself. So here I sit at the dining room table, typing away even though I’d rather flop down on my bed, watch endless episodes of Never Have I Ever, and snack all day long.

In the past I’ve had this habit of bailing on myself when I started to see success. Weird, right? Subconsciously I’m terrified to be successful at my own stuff.

That’s true whether it’s with weight loss, mastering a new hobby, or growing an audience. I start to make progress I can actually see and then I’m often jump ship. It’s been challenging for me to pinpoint exactly why I do this. 

Sometimes I think it’s because I struggle with feeling worthy of success. Or maybe I’m afraid that people will want more from me when I become successful, and so I’d rather stay small. While the why may be helpful, what’s important for me now is to recognize I have this habit of self-sabotage.

I am aware that I’m uncomfortable with success in my personal endeavors. Simply being aware of it, makes me less likely to sabotage myself. That awareness reminds me to keep going despite feeling uncomfortable. 

On the flip side, it’s so easy for me to go down rabbit holes to be useful to others or make other people happy. That’s another habit I have. To combat this, I frequently check-in with myself and ask, “Is this what you really want to be doing? Is this helping you to meet your bigger goals and intentions?” 

That’s why I wrote an entire article about identifying your values and included a worksheet to help you identify yours. When I have three values to focus on that I care about right now, I can check in and ask myself, “Is this honoring those values?” And if the answer is no, I have to ask myself if I really want to be doing it.

Habits are tricky buggers. The longer we’ve been doing something a certain way (or even thinking a certain way), the more difficult it is to break that habit. One of the biggest reasons this is true is because our neurons grow branches that connect to other neurons, and the more we do something, the stronger those connections become. 

When I was in medical school, we learned about something called the Transtheoretical Model (aka the Stages of Change). Stick with me, I promise this is cool. There are six stages in this model: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse.

Any time we want to change something (especially a habit) we have to go through these stages. This is true if we want to break an addiction, start taking care of our bodies, or change the way we communicate. ANY change we want to make happens on this cycle. 

The first step is precontemplation– this is when we aren’t ready to even think about change. We haven’t considered it, or we’re not open to changing yet. An example from my life: “Nope, I’m not ready to lose weight right now.” 

The next step is contemplation: we are aware that we want to change something, and we’re starting to think about it. For me: “Ok, I’m having some back problems. It would probably help if I worked to improve my strength and flexibility and decrease the load on my back.”

After that, we might move into preparation, which is our planning phase. We start figuring out how we’re going to go about making this change. This is where I am right now with my fitness journey. I know I need to make changes to support my body, and I’m open to it, but I’m still working on a plan.

After preparation, we move into action. We act on the plan we have prepared. And sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board of preparation, but we are actually doing things to create change.

Once we have made the change we were hoping to make, we enter the maintenance phase. This is all about keeping things going. Making that change part of our routine.

The sixth stage is relapse. Everybody hates this stage and thinks there is something wrong with them when they relapse, but it’s actually part of the normal process of creating change. At one time or another throughout this cycle, it’s common, normal, and even expected to fall off the wagon. 

The key is not to beat yourself up, but to look at it as a learning opportunity, to bring that information back to your preparation, and to get back on the horse. RELAPSE IS NORMAL!!! It doesn’t mean you suck, that you’re bad, or that you will never make the changes you want to make. 

I hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me. Change is hard, and it’s not about willpower. It’s about the strength of those stubborn neural connections. So give yourself some grace, and keep coming back to the changes you’re trying to make. You will get there.

What change(s) are you wanting to make in your life?

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.” 

I’ve tried so many different jobs over the years. When I was 15 years old, I started at a grocery store. I went from being a bagger to a cashier to a floral assistant to a kitchen clerk to a Starbucks barista. 

In college I worked as a caller at the college Phonathon to solicit donations from alumni. Then I worked three summers in a lab as a research assistant, became a certified Zumba instructor and independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay, dabbled in temp work, and scribed for mom in the ER before starting medical school. 

Medical school became a full-time job, and then I started residency. But since leaving residency, I’ve continued to dabble. I taught online MCAT prep classes for premed students, tried my hand at transcription, did some freelance projects on Upwork, and most recently I’ve become a ‘brand ambassador’ where I get paid $25/hr to hand out samples at grocery stores.

Some people may read this and might think, “This lady is all over the place! Pick a job already!!” I used to think I was flaky for trying so many different things. But each of these experiences has taught me something different and led to countless opportunities. 

It turns out, it doesn’t matter if you’re ‘flaky’ and you’re still able to get a job. Trying new jobs is not a problem unless it prevents you from getting more jobs when you need them. So ignore the haters and keep doing you.

You don’t have to stay in a job you don’t like, even if you’re $200K in debt like I am. There are opportunities all around you. Some of these you apply for, but the best ones you stumble into. 

You meet someone unexpectedly, start putting ideas together that you’ve never had, and voila! You’re onto something new that will open up your world in unexpected, exciting ways. I think of it as leveling up. 

With each experience you have, you gain new knowledge that you can put together in ways other people without those experiences can’t. That’s the power of being a multipotentialite. You become really great at adapting to new situations, learning something new in a fraction of the time of your peers, and creating solutions that blow people’s pants off.

But being a multipotentialite is also dangerous. You will undoubtedly disrupt the status quo. People’s reactions to you will range from confusion, to admiration, to disgust, to indignation. 

Some people will be incredibly pissed off that you’re making changes. But those people prefer staying small over the risks that come with growth. Your changes may feel like a threat to them.

While there are ways to work with these kinds of people to make your ideas more palatable, it’s best not to worry so much about what they think. Your life choices don’t have to make sense to anybody, and sometimes they don’t even have to make sense to you! It’s ok to try things, learn from them, and move on after you get what you need out of it.

Pay attention to the tiny voice inside of you that is giving you suggestions about what to do next. Don’t keep shushing it away. You have an inner knowing that will lead you to some spectacular places. Your job is simply to show up and try.