I’d been worried that my pap smear would show I had cervical cancer after my abnormal results the past two years, but I was so relieved to discover it is now normal. Tuesday I started to worry about the nerves in my back as I began to have worsening right leg pain and now numbness and tingling in my right foot. Yay.

Wednesday night I was put in a compromising situation in which I felt completely violated and totally confused. Thursday morning I had to deal with the complete shit show that was Wednesday night and deal with the consequences of my presence in that shit show. Thursday evening ended in a blow up between my parents. 

Friday morning I was told my parents may be separating (which may be a false alarm??) The gnawing anxiety started to set in on Saturday and Sunday. It said to me, “You need to get your shit together!! Things are falling apart around you and you need to protect yourself!!”

I’m having to combat that feeling. When it comes, I feel the need to push myself harder, do more, take on more. But most of the time that doesn’t really help me. It just adds to the chaos and increases my stress rather than relieving it.

Brené Brown talks about how when we’re overwhelmed we just need to STOP. It makes sense, but I feel like I’ve been in a state of overwhelm for the last two years of my life. And I do stop periodically, but the waves of overwhelm come back again.

I suppose that’s life though, right? Like I wrote about earlier, life isn’t just linear. It’s cyclical too. We figure some things out, and feel like total noobs in other situations. It’s just the way of life.

One of the things I need to deal with is the fact that I tend to sabotage myself in the face of success, especially when it relates to my own goals. I had a fitness coach once, a wonderful woman who I think about often, who told me I seem to have a fear of success. She noticed that every time I was kicking ass and doing really well in my fitness journey, I would start to sabotage myself.

I’ve seen myself do the same thing in other areas of my life too. I wish I could tell you why. Part of me doesn’t think I’m deserving of success. Part of me is afraid it will add more to my plate– that people will want even more from me when I’m successful. Maybe it has to do with my trauma from when I was a child. 

I really don’t know the full reason why I do this. But it’s a habit I have. And I’m fighting it right now. 

I want to build a space for people who struggle to believe they’re enough to be able to come together, support each other, and work through that crap. I have gifts I want to share to help people love themselves, just as I’m working so hard to love myself. Because I believe that is what truly matters the most on this planet. We all have worth as humans, no matter what package we’ve arrived here in or how that package changes over the years. 

And yet that judgy asshole in my head can’t help but yell, “Who the fuck are you to do this? Why should people listen to you? You want them to give you MONEY to do this kind of stuff? You’ve gotta be kidding yourself!”

That voice finds validation in the random comments from people off the internet: “This woman is clearly insecure. She’s in no condition to be coaching people!” or “Wow, her bio reads like one long self-congratulatory statement.”  Yeesh.

Despite the judgy assholes in my head and online, despite my insecurities, my flaws, my imperfections, I’m pushing forward. Because it’s not about me. It’s about the value of fighting for people to be themselves. 

That’s what I am doing. Sometimes not in the most eloquent way, but I’m fighting for other people (and myself) to be themselves. Their whole selves, not just the parts society likes. I’m fighting for the ugly parts, the parts people are afraid of, disgusted by, and indignant about. 

Because we all deserve to be seen for who we really are. We deserve to live our lives in a way that honors our own journey and lived experiences. That’s what I’m fighting for.

Self-sabotage be damned. I’m pushing forward and will do the very best I can to deliver on this vision of creating a space for people to feel loved, valued, and accepted exactly as they are.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned from my phenomenal research mentor is that you have to be invested in the process, not the results. What do I mean by that?

In science when we run experiments, we don’t know what the outcome is going to be. That’s why we’re experimenting, right? But we make a hypothesis (or educated guess) about what we think might happen. 

Having a hypothesis is important because it helps us to plan the experiment and decide what kinds of tests to run and how to measure our results. But we have to be careful not to be committed to the outcome of that hypothesis.

If we are too attached to the hypothesis we’ve made, it’s like putting blinders on. We now have these massive blind spots that prevent us from the true nature of the experiment we’re running. We might miss some important trends in the data that we have.

So if getting too attached to the possible outcome causes blind spots, what do we focus on? We focus on how we run the experiment. This is where we get to be creative.

We try a few things, and then measure the results. Then we try something different, and see if we get different results. Sometimes we even try the same thing more than once to see if we get the same results or if we get something different. 

To some this may sound tedious, but it’s actually fun! When you let your curiosity be your guide, it can lead to spectacular results. But if you start an experiment with the belief that you will be right about something instead of being open to the process, you will miss out on some amazing discoveries.

Ok, Dr. Jess. What does this have to do with the rest of us who are not in the lab with bunsen burners and beakers? Why should we care about your ramblings about the scientific method?

These same concepts apply directly to our life. When we hold tightly to our beliefs without being open and curious, we shut down any chance of amazing, unexpected things happening. But when we are committed to the process of exploring life without pretending to know what will happen, we will be blown away again and again by the wonder of life.

Let me use myself as an example. Here I am trying to build an audience around learning to love all your parts, right? But I’ve feeling stupid about the fact that each day only like three people read these posts and a handful of people see my social media content. 

The problem with that is I’m too attached to the outcome: having a big audience so I can share this stuff I’m excited about. But that’s totally out of my control, isn’t it? And focusing on that outcome actually makes me less likely to keep going.

Instead, I need to put on my goggles and have fun experimenting with the way I deliver my content. I can look at the data and see what works and what doesn’t, instead of judging myself for not having exciting results. Being committed to the process and remembering why I’m doing it in the first place (to share content about learning how to love yourself) is going to keep me going.

What about you? Is there an area in your life where you’ve been too attached to the outcome? What would it look like if you reframed it as an exciting experiment to run instead?

“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.”

Start with your values

It can be overwhelming to know how to start designing your life when you have one or more areas you want to change. The first thing to do is take a deep breath and know you’re in good company. Every single person on this planet goes through change, transition, and uncertainty multiple times in their life. 

I find it can be helpful to begin with your values. Every single person has a set of values. When I was in a partial program, my therapist told me that our values are like our favorite flavor of ice cream: we’re all allowed to just like what we like! 

You can download and print off a values worksheet I created here. 

Here’s what you’re going to do: 

1. Look at each value and quickly decide (in <5 seconds) if that value is very important (V), somewhat important (S), or not as important (N) to you. Write down the letter V, S, or N depending on what you decide. DON’T OVERTHINK THIS.

2. At the end of the list, fill in the two blank spaces with two values of your own that are not already listed.

3. Next, on page three you’re going to rewrite all the values you decided were very important (V). It can helpful to circle all the V’s first and then write the values down.

4. Of these very important values, you are going to pick the top 3 values you want to focus on right now. I like to cross them out one at a time until I’m left with my top three. This is going to change over time, so don’t stress about picking the wrong ones.

Now that you have your top three values, you can begin to look at how your life matches up with those values. Are your day-to-day actions aligned with those values? If not, then it’s time to make some changes.

Let your values be your guide

Our values act like a compass to point us in the direction we want to go. We can begin to take small steps with our actions to align with our values. This will help us make the changes we are trying to make. 

Again, this process is very personal and subjective. There is no one right or wrong way to do this. Your values are going to be different from my values, which are going to be different from Kim Kardashian’s values. 

No one’s values are better or worse than anyone else’s. Don’t stress about doing this wrong or agonizing over which values are best. Just go with your gut. 

In my next article, I will walk you through how you can use the values you’ve picked to take stock of where you are right now. If you’re like me, you’re going to see a pretty big gap between where you want to be and where you are now. 

That is absolutely fine! It’s expected! During times of transition, when we are wanting to make changes, there is always a gap between where we are and where we want to go. 

If you’re hungry for more and want a birds eye view of this process, you may want to read an article I wrote earlier called 53 Simple Ideas For Designing Your Life. But don’t let it overwhelm you! We’ll go through specifics in later articles.

My current top three values are so different from the last time I did this exercise! This time I chose adventure, courage, and whimsy. Comment below with your top three values.

When I quit residency, my parents panicked and tried to get me to stay. It resulted in us not talking for several months. I bought a shuttle bus to convert into a home on wheels, and moved in with my boyfriend to save money while plotting my next steps.

When we started dating in August, my gut had told me something was not right with this relationship. But I’d waved it off as just feeling weird that I’d never dated a guy in a wheelchair before.

The problem wasn’t that he was disabled, but rather that he was a narcissist with control issues. We only dated for something like six or seven months, but it felt like years. And not in a good way. 

After Lola and I moved in with him to save money, I essentially became a live-in caregiver and maid, even though he had aides. I was so mad that one of his aides would come in the evening and just nap on the couch, while I cooked and did laundry. I had not planned on leaving my job to become a domestic woman. 

I felt so trapped. Every time I made plans with my friends back in Rhode Island, we’d have a fight that would end with me deciding to scrap my plans and stay with him. He would make me feel guilty for wanting to do my own things and would comment that he couldn’t just get in the car and drive somewhere. 

Things unraveled the longer I stayed there. I’d tried taking breaks periodically, but then he’d make digs at me for needing too much “me time” and being “moody”. Towards the end he couldn’t stop yelling at me, and I had to laugh when he yelled at me that he wouldn’t yell at me again. 

Like me, my poor dog was miserable when we lived there. My ex had a dog and we had to keep the two completely separated because they were both reactive. Lola regressed and had accidents in the house multiple times a day. 

My suicidal ideation came back a few times then when I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I felt like I sucked at being a girlfriend, I sucked at being a dog mom, and I was absolutely miserable despite having quit residency. We ultimately broke up in March, right before a trip I had planned in the Caymans for my 29th birthday. 

I decided to cancel our Cayman plans and fly out to visit my parents in Spokane, WA. During that time, I had the opportunity to visit my grandfather’s gravesite in Helena, MT. He had passed away from COVID when I was in surgery residency in 2020. I was unable to attend his funeral service in August 2021, so this provided me with some well-needed closure.

It was nice to visit my grandmother and grandfather’s gravesites and pay my respects. I never really knew my grandmother, but my grandfather and I had a lot of ups and downs. When I was a child, he was a complete jerk to me. But over the years, we grew closer and I came to appreciate him for who he was, warts and all. 

While I stayed with my parents, we had many difficult conversations that helped heal our relationships. We didn’t see eye to eye about everything, but we reestablished respect for one another. It’s hard for parents and children alike to settle into new relationships once everyone is an adult. 

When I came back to CT in April, I lived with a woman I’d met at my co-working space to figure out next steps. I knew I couldn’t stay in CT– it was too expensive to find my own place, and I needed to make another fresh start. My parents told me they would be in SD for the month of May and my dad was willing to help me work on my bus there.

I decided to pack everything up and drive my bus and Lola to Sioux Falls, SD. Three days before I left, I got bronchitis and was told I still had to be out of my living accommodations. I broke down crying two days before my move, wondering how I was going to get my bus packed up, get new tires, and set out by myself when I barely had the energy to sit on my floor and pack my suitcase.

After I dried my tears, I reached out for help, believed it would work out, and pushed through. I didn’t know if we’d stay in Sioux Falls or not, but it felt like a good next step. After I got to Sioux Falls, it was time to make the next step. I decided to move in with my parents in June so that Lola would have a good home and I could work on healing. 

In July, I got COVID, and once again my mental health dipped. It’s been hard to keep reestablishing myself over and over again in a new place. First Fresno, then Providence, then Norwich, and now Spokane. I’ve moved four times in the last two years after having lived in South Dakota for 27 years.

But each time I move, I’m getting stronger and more resilient. More of my self-limiting beliefs fall away. I’m beginning to trust myself and look inward for answers rather than looking outside. 

It’s been one heck of a painful year, with many ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade it. If this is the price I have to pay for freedom, I will pay it. I’m not going back to making myself small just to make someone else more comfortable. It’s time to shine, baby. 

My mom told me that every time she comes to visit her family in Sturgis, many painful, uncomfortable childhood memories resurface. As she shares some of these stories with me, they raise similar feelings inside me. 

Transgenerational trauma is sticky. It gets passed down in our words, our habits, our subconscious memories, and our actions. Many parents wish to give their child (or children) a better life than they had. But the energy from our ancestors clings to us and grabs onto our children as well.  

Some of that energy is useful and brings with it great strength. The love of music and animals, a strong work ethic, a knack for talking with anyone about anything, self-reliance and independence. These are a few things I am proud to inherit from my ancestors. 

But there are things I have inherited that don’t serve me well. A tendency to put ourselves down, to use sugary foods to cope with stress, to overthink and spiral, to second guess ourselves, to shy away from asking for help. Just as we all inherit a risk of certain diseases (like diabetes or high cholesterol), we also inherit a set of stories, thoughts, and habits that can hurt us.

Heather Ash Amara, author of Warrior Goddess Training, recommends that we thank our ancestors for the things we’ve inherited that serve us well. As far as the other stuff, she invites us to let go of whatever is not working for us. 

We don’t need to blame our parents, grandparents, or great grandparents for the shitty stuff they passed down. It’s much more helpful to simply let those things go and create new stories that do work for us. Blame only keeps us stuck in those same shitty stories.

Many of us think we can just ignore the things we went through in childhood and start fresh as adults. But that doesn’t really work very well. Because even when we move away, never talk to our birth family, and completely reinvent ourselves, those stories still persist inside of us. 

The more we try to run away from the ugly stuff we don’t want to look at, the more power it has over us. The boogey monster under our beds grows bigger and scarier the more we try to ignore it.

What sucks is that when you finally face these things, it can be wicked painful. It’s like having this old nasty wound that is infected and never fully healed. The only way to help it heal is to take a scrub brush and scrub the ever-living crap out of it. 

We have to scrub until it’s raw so the tissue underneath can finally start to heal. Luckily, we don’t have to do this all in one sitting. We can do it bit by bit, allowing ourselves time to rest in between periods of healing. 

But if we really want to heal, we must commit to coming back and continuing to scrub until the wound is clean. We do this little by little, for every single story we have. We gently but persistently clean our stories until we are only left with the ones that actually work for us. 

As Heather Ash Amara notes, it’s a lifelong process of cleaning, but the first intensive cleaning is the hardest. We will have to keep coming back to make sure our stories are working for us as we change and evolve, but it gets easier. 

Just as we need outer hygiene to remain physically healthy, we must also maintain inner hygiene to keep us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. When we bring to our cleaning ritual a sense of curiosity, love, and care, we strengthen our relationship with ourselves. It gradually becomes enjoyable and exciting instead of painful and scary.

The beauty of this process is that it allows you to honor the unique gifts our ancestors have given us while also creating new gifts of our own. When you take full responsibility for your stories, you will experience a delicious freedom. 

With each story that you clean and claim as your own, and with each story you let go, you will feel places of tension release. You will feel yourself settling into your own skin. The world becomes less chaotic and more manageable, and you feel more at peace with your place in it.

I encourage you to start this gentle cleaning process. Pick one story to face and work through. It doesn’t matter where you start or how old you are when you start. Just get started.

It’s hard to not feel a sense of complete and utter despair when you look at the variety of things plaguing people today. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the rise of monkeypox, new cases of polio in the US. 

Polio?! For f*ck sake, we had eradicated polio! There’s a vaccine that works very well to prevent polio!! Why add more suffering into a world that already has plenty of it?

But I digress. I get sucked into feeling helpless when I look at everything happening, especially in the United States (since I live here). 

The overturning of Roe v Wade and loss of critical health services for many, the invasion of privacy. The attack on indigineous people with the overturning of Oklahoma v. Castro-Huerta. 

The assault on transgender and nonbinary individuals, leading to increased risk of mental illness and suicide as their existence continually gets denied and threatened. The ongoing climate crisis, with solutions within reach such as regenerative farming practices but not enough companies willing to make the changes needed to turn this ship around. 

My brain continues to tally the mountain of chaos happening in the world and I start to spin. 

I almost ran for office right after moving to Washington because I discovered there were two unopposed positions. But then I realized that I’m still struggling with my own PTSD, am financially unstable, and maybe it’s best for me to actually focus on my own health.

I’m a doer, so this past year of trying to just focus on myself has been one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. What do you mean I should just focus on healing? Not achieve things or try to fix other people’s problems? Have you seen the state of the world?!

For months I resisted caring for myself. After I quit residency, I had a falling out with my family and ended up moving in with my then boyfriend and his dog. I essentially became a live-in caregiver to my now ex, but that’s another story for another time. 

While living in CT, I also started a non-profit that ultimately went nowhere because I was pulled in too many directions. I would run in one direction at full steam, face plant into my PTSD, and then switch directions and run at something else.

It felt like I kept moving from the fire into the frying pan. I broke up with my boyfriend, lived with a friend for a month, and then packed up all my things and drove my dog and my bus to South Dakota. On my drive to SD, I wasn’t really sure where I was going to be living. 

I worried about what I would do with my reactive dog, Lola. She couldn’t live with other animals, and I didn’t have anyone I could stay with longterm in SD that would also be able to accommodate her. 

My bank account was dwindling down to the dregs. Every time I thought about getting a job, my PTSD would rear its ugly head. 

At this point I was exhausted. I was finally willing to acknowledge that I couldn’t keep trying to ignore my PTSD and depression by just staying busy. It wasn’t working. 

After a lot of thought, I decided to swallow my pride and move to Washington to live with my parents. I struggle to accept help from people. In my mind, if someone helps me, I now owe them. Otherwise they have something they can hold over my head in the future.

I don’t feel worthy of someone just helping me to be nice. There has to be a price to pay for that kindness. Nothing is free, right? 

Last week I flew to CT to get my car and drive it back. On my drive to SD, I realized this was a narrative that’s been playing in the background. I’d been listening to Warrior Goddess Training on CD and Heather Ash Amara talks about these agreements we unconsciously accept throughout our lives. 

What I’ve realized is that I am at a time in my life where I can’t do things by myself. I need help to get back on my feet. My old narrative is that I am not worthy of help and that I must always give something back for everything I get or that I should feel deeply ashamed. 

That old narrative is actively hurting me right now. It’s time to toss it in the trash and start fresh. If someone chooses to help me, I can be grateful for their help, but I need to let go of thinking I am obligated to find a way to pay them back.

If someone chooses to hold that over my head later and say, “Well you owe me because I did x for you,” that is their choice. I am not obligated to feel guilty or ashamed. 

Unless there are terms of agreement about how someone gives you help, you don’t owe anyone for what they have chosen to freely give you. And if they try to make you feel otherwise, that’s on them, not on you.

So right now, even though it sometimes feels like everything is going to hell in a handbasket, I’m trying to give myself the grace I need to heal. If I don’t allow myself to prioritize my own health and wellbeing, I won’t be any help to anyone else. 

Top Ideas for Designing Your Life

• Rank your values and priorities
• Assess your strengths, weaknesses, and current skillset
• Pick your top 1-3 goals and break into smaller, micro goals
• Stay accountable with an accountability partner
• Get support from friends, families, your local community, and online communities
• Pair new habits with something you enjoy
• Be patient, be kind to yourself, and don’t compare your life design to others

1. Start with your values

Every single one of us has values that influence everything we do. To help you decide on your top three values (which are whatever you want), check out this article for a free guide on choosing your values. Go with your gut and don’t overthink this exercise!

2. Rank your priorities

Now that you have your top values in mind, start to think about what your main priorities are in your life. What are the top three? Your relationships? Your health? Your religious practice? Whatever they are, make sure to write them down.

3. What do you like about your life right now and what don’t you like?

It’s crucial to be honest with yourself about where you are right now and where you want to go. Before we can move forward, we have to be aware of and accept where we are RIGHT NOW.

4. Take stock of your strengths

Did you know focusing on your strengths is far more effective than trying to make up for your weaknesses? A study by Gallup showed that companies who help their employees work with their strengths rather than focusing on improving their weaknesses are so much more successful! Take a note from Gallup and focus on your strengths.

5. Be honest about your weaknesses

While we don’t want to focus a lot of time and attention on our weaknesses, it’s still helpful to be aware of them. Be honest with yourself about your weaknesses. Are you a perfectionist? Do you procrastinate? Do you have a hard time staying organized? Do you have social anxiety? Write all of these down without judging yourself or beating yourself up.

6. Ask your trusted friends and/or family for feedback

Asking supportive friends and family what they think your strengths and weaknesses are can be eye-opening. While I know this can be intimidating, it’s a great way to get a different perspective from people who know you really well. These people should have your best interests at heart.

7. Consider taking an aptitude test

Some people have a hard time figuring out what they might be good at. If you’ve done everything above and are still struggling, consider taking an aptitude test online to give you some ideas.

8. What did you want to do as a child?

It might sound silly, but this can be a great exercise to remember what you used to like before society told you what was expected of you. Channel your inner child and see what comes up! Even if it doesn’t become a career opportunity, it may give you insight into new hobbies you could try.

9. What would you do if you had enough money, and no one would judge you?

Most people are concerned with having enough money. And even if you are super wealthy, you may still be afraid of being judged, ridiculed, or seen differently for pursuing certain interests. Take a deep breath and for a few minutes let your brain wander without fear of not having enough money or of being judged. See what comes up.

10. Identify your obstacles

Time for a reality check. What is preventing you from pursuing your dreams right now? This could be money, time, geography, relationships, commitments. Often times we are our own biggest obstacle. Whatever you uncover, write it down.

11. Cross off obstacles that aren’t realistic

Sometimes the obstacles we create are imagined. They’re not even real! Take a moment to look back over your top three values and priorities you listed earlier. Can you cross off any obstacles that are fear-driven that you could reasonably overcome if you wanted to? Do that now.

12. What skills do you have?

You listed your strengths earlier. Now write down a list of skills that you have. Skills are sets of knowledge you can apply in som kind of tangible way. For example, maybe you are skilled at writing, singing, computer programming, gardening, painting, fixing cars, cooking, organizing.

The list of possible skills is endless. Don’t limit yourself to your credentials or job history. Your hobbies and the things you’ve dabbled in over the years count too!

13. Make a list of all jobs that interest you

Dream big or small! These jobs can be related or totally separate from each other. Don’t limit yourself yet, just let the brainstorm do its magic.

14. Pick your top 3 jobs or careers that appeal to you the most

Now that you’ve finished brainstorming, go back to the lists you created of your values, priorities, strengths, and skills. What jobs best match your values, priorities, strengths, and skills?

15. Research your top 3 jobs online or at your library

What does a day in the life look like? Are there any certifications you must have or new skills you’d need to acquire? What kinds of people gravitate toward these jobs/careers? Are there any barriers to entry to think about?

16. Get firsthand information

Reach out to any family, friends, or acquaintances you have that work in these fields (or fields related to them) to ask if you can pick their brain. If you don’t know anyone in these fields personally, you can still make connections!

The internet has made it easier than ever to connect with people you’ve never met before.

17. Sign up for a professional email address

If you don’t already have one, be sure to sign up for an email address that looks professional. Most people use their first and last name, or a first initial and their last name. You can very easily get a free account through Gmail or Outlook.

18. Make an account on LinkedIn

LinkedIn is a great place to network and reach out to people who might be able to give you helpful advice or even leads as you’re exploring other jobs and careers.

19. Join groups via social media

This is a great way to learn and get support from other people who share common interests with you. Facebook is a popular social media tool for this.

20. Get connected in your local community

Get in touch with your local chamber of commerce or economic development committee to learn about resources and groups in your community! I can tell you that they will be thrilled to help connect you.

21. Find a mentor

Having a mentor is one of the best ways to gain valuable knowledge and insight. You can find mentors through your local connections, google searches, or social media. They don’t have to live in the same town as you! Thanks to modern technology, you can have virtual meetings with anyone in the world!

22. Make a pros and cons list for each job

On a piece of paper or on your computer, create a basic table. List the pros and cons for each job you’re considering. This may help bring more clarity about which one rises to the top.

23. Choose one job to take the next step

Don’t agonize over this decision—you can always change your mind later! You don’t have to disrupt your entire life to take a few steps in a new direction. This is not an all-or-none game unless you want it to be.

24. What are your top 1-3 non-work goals?

We’ve spent a lot of time looking at how to create a new path related to work, but it’s also important to consider the other areas in your life you are craving change. Other big areas could be your physical health, mental health, relationships, spirituality, play time, philanthropy. It’s totally up to you what you want to work on!

25. Step outside your comfort zone

If we continue to do the same thing we’ve always done, we will continue to get the same results we’ve always had. Einstein believed this was the definition of insanity to expect otherwise. Be brave and step out of your comfort zone.

You can always start small. Try a new exercise class, go to a new restaurant, say hello to a stranger in the grocery store. Just do something different.

26. Decide how you will know when you have reached these goals

When you ask yourself if you’ve reached your goals, your answer should be “yes” or “not yet.” To be able to do that, we must be very specific about what we want and how we will measure our progress along the way.

27. Create an action plan with baby steps

Setting micro goals is way more effective than setting big goals we never attempt. Break your goals into small steps that are easy to achieve and can be measured. Even the tiniest bit of progress is still progress.

28. Create a timeline for each actionable step

Deciding on a timeline for when you will reach your micro goals helps you to stay accountable. Don’t agonize over this because it will probably change later, and that’s ok! Just get started.

29. Set aside regular time for designing your life

Even five minutes a day specifically set aside for you to intentionally design your life is important. Something is better than nothing. If not daily, make sure you’re checking in with yourself weekly.

30. Put it on your calendar

Another way to stay accountable as you’re building a new habit is to mark it on your calendar. It’s helps reinforce the importance of taking time for your new habit and will prevent you from scheduling something else during that same time.

31. Pair it with something that makes you feel good

Research shows that when we pair a new habit with a reward, we are far more likely to continue with our new habit. This could look like pairing your habit of sitting down to design your life with a yummy latte. Get creative about your reward!

32. Find an accountability partner to help stay on track

Ask a friend, family member, or someone in one of your groups to check-in with you at least weekly (if not daily) to help you stay on track. You can celebrate your victories together and lament over any setbacks. Having a person to help you stay accountable can really help a new habit stick.

33. Track your progress over time

Putting a lot of time or effort into something doesn’t necessarily guarantee results. We have to be doing things that actually move the needle. Make sure you are tracking your results over time to see if what you are doing is leading to progress. If not, make changes and see what happens with those changes.

34. Do a comprehensive check-in with yourself at least once a month

Revisit your values, priorities, goals, and progress you are making towards those goals. What is working? What is not working? What do you need to change? This is a time to be honest with yourself without judging.

35. Celebrate your victories

Share your successes with the people who support you and reward yourself for meeting your micro goals as you go. No progress is too small to celebrate!

36. Focus on the process

Be the lead scientist of the experiment that is designing your life. That means being curious, analyzing data, and not taking it personally if you have an unexpected result. Your growth as a person matters more than any individual outcome.

37. Learn from mistakes and road bumps

Instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes or getting upset with obstacles that arise, use them as an opportunity to learn. Believe it or not, failure is incredibly valuable for us to build resilience and gives us information on how to start again.

38. Journal

Taking time to reflect is crucial whenever we are trying to build something new. Make time at least each week to journal about any thoughts or feelings that are coming up for you.

39. Take time to rest and recharge

It can be easy to burn out when we are committed to working hard and achieving our goals. Be sure to take time to sleep, eat well, exercise, and do the things you enjoy.

40. Progress, not perfection

Remember that embracing “good enough” isn’t being lazy. Progress is what is important. Striving for perfection is impossible and will always make you feel inadequate.

41. Be kind to yourself

Making change is incredibly difficult. It is uncomfortable, scary, and often painful. Be kind to yourself as you are learning and growing. Whenever you doubt yourself, review your values and priorities.

42. Remind yourself that you’re not alone

To struggle is to be human. Millions of people struggle from time to time with feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, inadequacy. We all make mistakes.

43. Choose a mantra or favorite quote

Print it out and hang it up somewhere you will see it every day. Having that reminder will reinforce why you are doing what you are doing. This can help disrupt that thought loop of self-doubt in your brain.

44. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Your time and energy are precious. Don’t waste them on things that don’t matter. As my mom used to say, “Don’t cry over spilled milk.”

45. Don’t compare yourself to others

Comparison prevents many people from having the courage to express themselves and pursue their dreams. Stay in your lane and focus on your own progress, not how you compare to anyone else.

46. Don’t get discouraged

Crappy things will happen. You may get rejected sometimes, someone you love might tell you what you’re doing is silly, you will make mistakes and sometimes fail. But that’s normal. They are called growing pains for a reason.

47. It’s ok to adjust your expectations and goals

Sometimes our first expectations are too lofty, or circumstances change that require us to change our plans. There is nothing wrong with that. Make changes and keep cruising.

48. Be patient

It takes time, effort, and persistence to make lasting changes when designing your life.

49. Say goodbye to thinking that doesn’t serve you

It is difficult to learn or try something new if a voice inside of your head is always telling you that you suck. Whenever that voice comes into your head, say hello to it and then kindly ask it to leave. Sometimes I say “Hi self-doubt. I’m working on some very important things right now, so you’re going to need to leave.” It may seem silly at first, but over time you can retrain your thought patterns.

50. Set healthy boundaries

Those critical voices in our heads can get louder when we listen to people in our lives who don’t support us. It is not selfish to set boundaries with people who are making it difficult for you to design your life. They may be upset at first, but if they really love you, they will find new ways to support you.

51. Have fun

Be sure to add in laughter, silliness, and play into your new life design. As adults, many of us forget that play isn’t just for kids! You are never too old to laugh and play!

52. Share your experience

It can be scary to share what we are going through with other people, but it allows other people to support us and for them to feel supported as well. Many people will be inspired by what you are doing, and you may give them the courage to speak up or change their lives too.

53. Remember you are enough

No matter what you do with your life, no matter how much money you earn, and no matter what you achieve, you are enough.

Summary

Regardless of where you are in this process of designing your life, be proud of your willingness to take charge of your life. This is arguably one of the most difficult things we are tasked to do. Before you close this article, pick one of the 53 ideas above and get started. It can be intimidating to take the lead in designing your life, but I promise it is worth the satisfaction that comes from living authentically.

If you are looking for one-on-one guidance to take those next steps towards designing the life of your dreams, reach out to Dr. Jess here.