But just because my inner critic is grumpy and my motivation is lacking today doesn’t mean I don’t need to show up for myself. So here I sit at the dining room table, typing away even though I’d rather flop down on my bed, watch endless episodes of Never Have I Ever, and snack all day long.

In the past I’ve had this habit of bailing on myself when I started to see success. Weird, right? Subconsciously I’m terrified to be successful at my own stuff.

That’s true whether it’s with weight loss, mastering a new hobby, or growing an audience. I start to make progress I can actually see and then I’m often jump ship. It’s been challenging for me to pinpoint exactly why I do this. 

Sometimes I think it’s because I struggle with feeling worthy of success. Or maybe I’m afraid that people will want more from me when I become successful, and so I’d rather stay small. While the why may be helpful, what’s important for me now is to recognize I have this habit of self-sabotage.

I am aware that I’m uncomfortable with success in my personal endeavors. Simply being aware of it, makes me less likely to sabotage myself. That awareness reminds me to keep going despite feeling uncomfortable. 

On the flip side, it’s so easy for me to go down rabbit holes to be useful to others or make other people happy. That’s another habit I have. To combat this, I frequently check-in with myself and ask, “Is this what you really want to be doing? Is this helping you to meet your bigger goals and intentions?” 

That’s why I wrote an entire article about identifying your values and included a worksheet to help you identify yours. When I have three values to focus on that I care about right now, I can check in and ask myself, “Is this honoring those values?” And if the answer is no, I have to ask myself if I really want to be doing it.

Habits are tricky buggers. The longer we’ve been doing something a certain way (or even thinking a certain way), the more difficult it is to break that habit. One of the biggest reasons this is true is because our neurons grow branches that connect to other neurons, and the more we do something, the stronger those connections become. 

When I was in medical school, we learned about something called the Transtheoretical Model (aka the Stages of Change). Stick with me, I promise this is cool. There are six stages in this model: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse.

Any time we want to change something (especially a habit) we have to go through these stages. This is true if we want to break an addiction, start taking care of our bodies, or change the way we communicate. ANY change we want to make happens on this cycle. 

The first step is precontemplation– this is when we aren’t ready to even think about change. We haven’t considered it, or we’re not open to changing yet. An example from my life: “Nope, I’m not ready to lose weight right now.” 

The next step is contemplation: we are aware that we want to change something, and we’re starting to think about it. For me: “Ok, I’m having some back problems. It would probably help if I worked to improve my strength and flexibility and decrease the load on my back.”

After that, we might move into preparation, which is our planning phase. We start figuring out how we’re going to go about making this change. This is where I am right now with my fitness journey. I know I need to make changes to support my body, and I’m open to it, but I’m still working on a plan.

After preparation, we move into action. We act on the plan we have prepared. And sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board of preparation, but we are actually doing things to create change.

Once we have made the change we were hoping to make, we enter the maintenance phase. This is all about keeping things going. Making that change part of our routine.

The sixth stage is relapse. Everybody hates this stage and thinks there is something wrong with them when they relapse, but it’s actually part of the normal process of creating change. At one time or another throughout this cycle, it’s common, normal, and even expected to fall off the wagon. 

The key is not to beat yourself up, but to look at it as a learning opportunity, to bring that information back to your preparation, and to get back on the horse. RELAPSE IS NORMAL!!! It doesn’t mean you suck, that you’re bad, or that you will never make the changes you want to make. 

I hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me. Change is hard, and it’s not about willpower. It’s about the strength of those stubborn neural connections. So give yourself some grace, and keep coming back to the changes you’re trying to make. You will get there.

What change(s) are you wanting to make in your life?

The funny thing though, is that by hiding my dreams from other people, I tend to hide them from myself too. The little seedlings sit neglected in the attic, away from the sun, and I forget to water them. Just the fear of being shut down by others leads me to squash my own dreams before they’ve even had a chance.

Alright, so I’m facing my fears here and I’m sharing some of my dreams. In day 3 of my journaling, I mentioned that one of my dreams is to open up a community coffee house/art  studio someday. Today I am going to open up about a different dream that I am actively working on, although they are related in some ways. 

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up having to stuff my emotions to help adults in my life manage theirs, and I learned to prize achievements and hard work above my own health. But along this path, I became very interested in what people call “self-help”. 

I’ve read countless books over the years in this category, taken virtual classes, listened to podcasts and cds. I’m fascinated by our capacity for change. To grow up in one way, and gain knowledge and tools to live a different life. 

And in all the years that I’ve been exploring these things, I continue to come face to face with one observation over and over again. To live our best life we have to get right with ourselves. 

A lot of self help stuff focuses on the tools that may help us on our journey, like mindfulness, mantras, and goal-setting. And while these are great, and they can be very helpful, they are the MEANS to the end. Not the end itself.

What do I mean by that? The end goal is to be satisfied living in our own skin. To feel like we are able to face whatever comes. To be able to pick ourselves up when we fall down.

Those other things are tools to help us get there, but they are not what we’re after. Ok, so how does this relate to my dream?

I’m on this journey to love all the parts of myself because I want to have a great life with myself. I want to feel comfortable in my skin and actually like the person that I am. And I want to invite others to come with me on this journey.

I want to share what I’m learning, to learn from other people who are on the same journey, and provide a space for us to do this work together. Because I think it is the work that actually matters. The work that could change the world. 

We can’t fix all of the world’s problems when we barely tolerate ourselves. Think about the energy that comes when people are actually psyched about being alive. It’s contagious! 

So that is my dream. To continue on this adventure of radically loving myself and to bring as many people along with me. This is how we overcome the chaos of the world. 

I don’t know the first thing about building a community, but I’m open to feedback from all of you. I’m open to hearing what you need as we embark on this journey. Let’s learn together and fall in love with all of our parts.

If you’re interested in joining me, subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, Love Your Life. I don’t have all the answers, but I believe we can figure this out together.

Obviously it’s important to have an idea of what your end goal (or macro goal) is, but it’s equally important to set smaller goals (or micro goals) to help you achieve your end goal. One reason many of us fail to achieve our larger goals is that we don’t take the time to plot out micro goals along the way. 

Many people have heard the quote by Lao Tzu: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Or that of Desmond Tutu: “There is only one way to eat an elephant: a bite at a time.” And yet so many of us do not start at the beginning. We want to leap ahead to the end!

A micro goal is a very specific, easily obtainable goal that helps us to begin our efforts towards our greater goal. We can set one micro goal after the other, taking us closer and closer to meeting our end goal. 

For example, let’s say you have a passion for baking and your dream is to open your very own bakery. You can see the bakery in your mind’s eye, the open sign glowing in your front window, and customers streaming in to purchase your delicious baked goods. But where do you even start?

One very good first micro goal is to simply go to the library to check out one or more books on starting your own business. This will help you start to learn what you need to know about how to begin this process. Or maybe you sign up for a free business class through your local chamber of commerce. 

Many of us fall into the all or none approach when it comes to pursuing our goals. We dive in headfirst and sometimes shoot off in many directions at once, just trying to immerse ourselves in this goal. But this can also lead us to burn out and abandon our goals.

When we don’t set smaller, easily achievable goals along the way, it is easy for us to quickly feel overwhelmed by the enormity of our end goal. We become frustrated by our apparent lack of progress. When this happens, we are much more likely to give up entirely.

Micro goals allow us to make slow, steady progress towards our macro goal. We gain confidence when we are able to accomplish these smaller goals. They also allow us to keep checking in with ourselves about our end goal to make sure what we’re doing is in alignment with that goal.

Sometimes we have to adjust our end goal when we realize we didn’t define it quite right the first time. Maybe we discover we want to open up a coffee shop that sells just a few pastries rather than a full-blown bakery. Maybe we simply provide baked goods to gas stations or coffee shops. 

Not only is it ok if your overall goal changes, it is common and normal for a person’s goal to change! Modifying your end goal is nothing to be ashamed of, but instead to be applauded. It takes courage, humility, and wisdom to correct our course for something that is better aligned with what we really want.  

I hope you will keep dreaming big. As Tom Bilyeu likes to say,  “On a long enough timeline, you can learn anything.” Just start one bite-sized step at a time and continue to work at it until you achieve your goal. You’ve got this.