Day 16: How to Stop Masking

There is a freedom that comes with accepting you don’t have all the answers. We live in a society that’s fast paced, where efficiency is king, and where the smallest mistake can make you feel like a complete idiot. This frantic pace is something a lot of us have bought into without consciously accepting that’s how we want to live our lives.

Believe it or not, it’s ok not to know everything and to recognize your limits. Try as we might, humans aren’t invincible. We actually have a lot of built-in flaws.

We make mistakes, say the wrong things, get tired, hungry, horny, lonely, angry, and bored.  All of us fart, and many of us pick our noses when there’s a stubborn booger that keeps tickling us. But we’re taught to hide all of those ugly, “improper” things about ourselves. 

We’re taught to “fake it til you make it!” We silently agree to pretend we are dignified, smart, and confident. Lord help you if you admit you are flawed, especially in the workplace. 

All of this masking comes at a steep cost, though. When we try to be perfect and pretend we aren’t flawed, we move further and further away from who we really are. That’s what masking is, isn’t it? Trying to be someone else.

And the harder we try to be someone else, the worse our life gets. We get tired, sick, angry, and depressed. The mask can only stay on for so long.

If we don’t have time throughout the day when we can safely take our mask off and just be, it adds increasing stress in our lives. It grows the disconnect between who we really are and who we’re trying to be for the sake of other people. It takes a toll on our mental and physical health. 

So how do we stop masking and come back to ourselves? How do we unlearn these things society has force-fed us for so long?

This is a complicated question, and each person has a different answer. But there are a few things that may be helpful. 

I think we start by recognizing that we’ve been masking and that it has been a draining experience. We acknowledge the struggle we’ve been going through, even though we didn’t consciously recognize it. Validating our own experiences is critical. 

One thing social media has been great about is holding space for all different kinds of people. I’ve had the chance to see many different people talk about masking and what it looks like for them, which has helped me to see some of the same behaviors in myself. Knowing you’re not uniquely weird or messed up in that way is very comforting.

Then we start to look at where we are most exhausted or depleted. What times in our day, week, or month are we most struggling to get by? Can we find any common threads with these times? Do we find ourselves acting in a certain way that makes us uncomfortable or drained?

Once we begin to notice patterns of where our energy dips, when we find ourselves holding back because we fear what other people will think, this gives us an opportunity to try out alternative behaviors. Maybe we don’t feel comfortable removing our masks entirely, but perhaps there is a step we can take in between. 

Here’s an example: let’s say that you are someone who feels compelled to smile widely and raise the pitch of your voice for meetings with your clients, but it’s not at all the way you normally behave. It takes a lot out of you to put that mask on for these meetings, and leaves you feeling drained. 

You might not feel like you have the option to just be yourself, because you’re worried your clients will think you have RBF or that you’re a monotone robot. What if you could find little ways to let that mask start to come off? Or add pieces of your authentic self to those meetings?

Think of other ways you could express yourself differently that bring you more joy in those meetings. Can you wear a baby yoda pin or sticker on your name badge? Color coordinate your lipstick with your underwear? Squish a rainbow stress ball during your talk? Crack a joke during the meeting?

In other words, what small changes can you make that are not as scary as taking off your whole damn mask, but still help you feel more comfortable in your skin? And if you’re ready to stop masking entirely, more power to you. 

I’ve been dipping my toe in the water with how I introduce myself, and I add a lot more humor to my conversations. Just today when someone asked “Oh, you’re a doctor? What are you doing with that?” I grinned and said, “Not a damn thing!” 

Have some fun with it and remember there’s not a single person on this planet who doesn’t have flaws or baggage. And thank goodness for that, right? What a boring place it would be if we were all perfect!