Choosing to commit to yourself means showing up even when you don’t feel like it. As I’m sitting down to write this, my first thought is, “Ugh. I don’t know what to write about. Nobody’s going to read it anyway. What the hell am I doing with my life?!”
But just because my inner critic is grumpy and my motivation is lacking today doesn’t mean I don’t need to show up for myself. So here I sit at the dining room table, typing away even though I’d rather flop down on my bed, watch endless episodes of Never Have I Ever, and snack all day long.
In the past I’ve had this habit of bailing on myself when I started to see success. Weird, right? Subconsciously I’m terrified to be successful at my own stuff.
That’s true whether it’s with weight loss, mastering a new hobby, or growing an audience. I start to make progress I can actually see and then I’m often jump ship. It’s been challenging for me to pinpoint exactly why I do this.
Sometimes I think it’s because I struggle with feeling worthy of success. Or maybe I’m afraid that people will want more from me when I become successful, and so I’d rather stay small. While the why may be helpful, what’s important for me now is to recognize I have this habit of self-sabotage.
I am aware that I’m uncomfortable with success in my personal endeavors. Simply being aware of it, makes me less likely to sabotage myself. That awareness reminds me to keep going despite feeling uncomfortable.
On the flip side, it’s so easy for me to go down rabbit holes to be useful to others or make other people happy. That’s another habit I have. To combat this, I frequently check-in with myself and ask, “Is this what you really want to be doing? Is this helping you to meet your bigger goals and intentions?”
That’s why I wrote an entire article about identifying your values and included a worksheet to help you identify yours. When I have three values to focus on that I care about right now, I can check in and ask myself, “Is this honoring those values?” And if the answer is no, I have to ask myself if I really want to be doing it.
Habits are tricky buggers. The longer we’ve been doing something a certain way (or even thinking a certain way), the more difficult it is to break that habit. One of the biggest reasons this is true is because our neurons grow branches that connect to other neurons, and the more we do something, the stronger those connections become.
When I was in medical school, we learned about something called the Transtheoretical Model (aka the Stages of Change). Stick with me, I promise this is cool. There are six stages in this model: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse.
Any time we want to change something (especially a habit) we have to go through these stages. This is true if we want to break an addiction, start taking care of our bodies, or change the way we communicate. ANY change we want to make happens on this cycle.
The first step is precontemplation– this is when we aren’t ready to even think about change. We haven’t considered it, or we’re not open to changing yet. An example from my life: “Nope, I’m not ready to lose weight right now.”
The next step is contemplation: we are aware that we want to change something, and we’re starting to think about it. For me: “Ok, I’m having some back problems. It would probably help if I worked to improve my strength and flexibility and decrease the load on my back.”
After that, we might move into preparation, which is our planning phase. We start figuring out how we’re going to go about making this change. This is where I am right now with my fitness journey. I know I need to make changes to support my body, and I’m open to it, but I’m still working on a plan.
After preparation, we move into action. We act on the plan we have prepared. And sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board of preparation, but we are actually doing things to create change.
Once we have made the change we were hoping to make, we enter the maintenance phase. This is all about keeping things going. Making that change part of our routine.
The sixth stage is relapse. Everybody hates this stage and thinks there is something wrong with them when they relapse, but it’s actually part of the normal process of creating change. At one time or another throughout this cycle, it’s common, normal, and even expected to fall off the wagon.
The key is not to beat yourself up, but to look at it as a learning opportunity, to bring that information back to your preparation, and to get back on the horse. RELAPSE IS NORMAL!!! It doesn’t mean you suck, that you’re bad, or that you will never make the changes you want to make.
I hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me. Change is hard, and it’s not about willpower. It’s about the strength of those stubborn neural connections. So give yourself some grace, and keep coming back to the changes you’re trying to make. You will get there.
What change(s) are you wanting to make in your life?
