Day 25: My Struggle With Self-Sabotage

This one’s for me today– a true journaling experience. I’ve been feeling pretty anxious the past couple of days. Part of that probably has to do with the crazy week I had leading up to the weekend.

I’d been worried that my pap smear would show I had cervical cancer after my abnormal results the past two years, but I was so relieved to discover it is now normal. Tuesday I started to worry about the nerves in my back as I began to have worsening right leg pain and now numbness and tingling in my right foot. Yay.

Wednesday night I was put in a compromising situation in which I felt completely violated and totally confused. Thursday morning I had to deal with the complete shit show that was Wednesday night and deal with the consequences of my presence in that shit show. Thursday evening ended in a blow up between my parents. 

Friday morning I was told my parents may be separating (which may be a false alarm??) The gnawing anxiety started to set in on Saturday and Sunday. It said to me, “You need to get your shit together!! Things are falling apart around you and you need to protect yourself!!”

I’m having to combat that feeling. When it comes, I feel the need to push myself harder, do more, take on more. But most of the time that doesn’t really help me. It just adds to the chaos and increases my stress rather than relieving it.

Brené Brown talks about how when we’re overwhelmed we just need to STOP. It makes sense, but I feel like I’ve been in a state of overwhelm for the last two years of my life. And I do stop periodically, but the waves of overwhelm come back again.

I suppose that’s life though, right? Like I wrote about earlier, life isn’t just linear. It’s cyclical too. We figure some things out, and feel like total noobs in other situations. It’s just the way of life.

One of the things I need to deal with is the fact that I tend to sabotage myself in the face of success, especially when it relates to my own goals. I had a fitness coach once, a wonderful woman who I think about often, who told me I seem to have a fear of success. She noticed that every time I was kicking ass and doing really well in my fitness journey, I would start to sabotage myself.

I’ve seen myself do the same thing in other areas of my life too. I wish I could tell you why. Part of me doesn’t think I’m deserving of success. Part of me is afraid it will add more to my plate– that people will want even more from me when I’m successful. Maybe it has to do with my trauma from when I was a child. 

I really don’t know the full reason why I do this. But it’s a habit I have. And I’m fighting it right now. 

I want to build a space for people who struggle to believe they’re enough to be able to come together, support each other, and work through that crap. I have gifts I want to share to help people love themselves, just as I’m working so hard to love myself. Because I believe that is what truly matters the most on this planet. We all have worth as humans, no matter what package we’ve arrived here in or how that package changes over the years. 

And yet that judgy asshole in my head can’t help but yell, “Who the fuck are you to do this? Why should people listen to you? You want them to give you MONEY to do this kind of stuff? You’ve gotta be kidding yourself!”

That voice finds validation in the random comments from people off the internet: “This woman is clearly insecure. She’s in no condition to be coaching people!” or “Wow, her bio reads like one long self-congratulatory statement.”  Yeesh.

Despite the judgy assholes in my head and online, despite my insecurities, my flaws, my imperfections, I’m pushing forward. Because it’s not about me. It’s about the value of fighting for people to be themselves. 

That’s what I am doing. Sometimes not in the most eloquent way, but I’m fighting for other people (and myself) to be themselves. Their whole selves, not just the parts society likes. I’m fighting for the ugly parts, the parts people are afraid of, disgusted by, and indignant about. 

Because we all deserve to be seen for who we really are. We deserve to live our lives in a way that honors our own journey and lived experiences. That’s what I’m fighting for.

Self-sabotage be damned. I’m pushing forward and will do the very best I can to deliver on this vision of creating a space for people to feel loved, valued, and accepted exactly as they are.