I strongly believe your life is only as good as your relationship with yourself. A big part of that relationship involves how you talk to yourself. So why does positive self talk matter?
Whether we realize it or not, we talk to ourselves all of the time in our heads. Sometimes we even talk to ourselves out loud. This is totally normal!
Have you heard the saying you are your own worst critic? This is where self-talk really matters. When we criticize ourselves for every mistake we make, call ourselves stupid, fat, ugly, or whatever other number of horrible things we stay to ourselves, it tanks our self-confidence.
Imagine if someone said the same things to you that you say to yourself. Would you ever talk to them again? Would you trust them to make decisions for you?
Part of building trust in yourself involves speaking kindly to yourself. This is actually one of the key components of practicing self-compassion. Practicing positive self talk can help you to respond more calmly in stressful situations, bounce back from difficulties, and build confidence.
Ok, so how do you start incorporating positive self talk in your life? Psychologist Kristen Neff recommends you start by noticing you’re saying mean things to yourself. Before you can change how you talk to yourself, you have to notice that you’re doing it!
After you notice that you’re beating up on yourself, think about what you might say to your best friend or a loved one in the same situation. If this feels weird to you, you can start by writing it down.
Here’s an example of working towards positive self talk. Let’s say you trip and faceplant on the sidewalk. After the initial sting wears off, maybe your normal response would be to think “God, I’m such a clutz! I’m so embarrassed! Why am I so uncoordinated?!”
Now imagine if you saw this happen to your best friend, your mother, your child or whoever. You might instead say to them, “Oh sweetie, are you ok?!” And if they said to you, “I’m such a clutz.” Maybe you’d say back, “Don’t worry about it! Everybody trips sometimes.”
It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice positive self-talk, the more it will become automatic. After a while, your first reaction to something bad happening will be a comforting word to yourself rather than a criticism or insult.
The key is to be patient with yourself and keep coming back to it. You’ll still say crappy things to yourself from time to time. But you’ll catch yourself sooner, and reframe it more quickly.
Here are some other examples of negative self talk versus positive self talk to the same situation.
| Situation | Negative Self Talk | Reframed Positive Self Talk |
| You have a fear of public speaking but need to give a talk to a bunch of people. | “I’m going to bomb it and they are will think I’m the most boring person on the planet!” | “I’m scared to do this, but I’m going to get through it and maybe the more I do it, the easier it will get!” |
| You’re driving along, get distracted, and rear-end the car in front of you. | “I can’t believe I did that! I’m such an idiot! Oh my god, my wife is going to murder me!” | “I was distracted and this sucks, but what’s done is done. It could have happened to anyone. I’ll make sure to keep more distance next time.” |
| You ask someone on a date and they turn you down. | “No one will ever date me. I’m so ugly and awkward. I don’t even know why I try.” | “I’m disappointed they turned me down, but it’s better to know they’re not interested in me. I deserve to go on a date with someone who’s interested in getting to know me.” |
| You made plans to hang out with your friends but at the last minute they canceled. | “They clearly hate me. Why don’t they want to hang out with me? Nobody likes me.” | “I’m bummed that my plans fell through, but I’m sure they had a good reason for it. I’ll just order some tasty takeout and watch Golden Girls and ask if they want to reschedule for next week!” |
| You get an F on an exam. | “I’m so stupid. I should just give up now and drop this class. I can’t do this.” | “Well, I’ve got lots of room for improvement! It’d be easy for me to be upset, but that doesn’t really help me. I’m going to ask my teacher for recommendations on how to do better for the next exam.” |
Now it’s your turn. Let’s say you’re out to dinner with your friend and you accidentally spill your drink all over their lap. What would you normally say to yourself and how can you reframe that as positive self talk?
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