I am someone who seems to care too much about everything, which often has me spinning in circles. When I wake up in the morning, I can’t seem to help but check my social media right away.
It’s hard to not feel a sense of complete and utter despair when you look at the variety of things plaguing people today. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the rise of monkeypox, new cases of polio in the US.
Polio?! For f*ck sake, we had eradicated polio! There’s a vaccine that works very well to prevent polio!! Why add more suffering into a world that already has plenty of it?
But I digress. I get sucked into feeling helpless when I look at everything happening, especially in the United States (since I live here).
The overturning of Roe v Wade and loss of critical health services for many, the invasion of privacy. The attack on indigineous people with the overturning of Oklahoma v. Castro-Huerta.
The assault on transgender and nonbinary individuals, leading to increased risk of mental illness and suicide as their existence continually gets denied and threatened. The ongoing climate crisis, with solutions within reach such as regenerative farming practices but not enough companies willing to make the changes needed to turn this ship around.
My brain continues to tally the mountain of chaos happening in the world and I start to spin.
I almost ran for office right after moving to Washington because I discovered there were two unopposed positions. But then I realized that I’m still struggling with my own PTSD, am financially unstable, and maybe it’s best for me to actually focus on my own health.
I’m a doer, so this past year of trying to just focus on myself has been one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. What do you mean I should just focus on healing? Not achieve things or try to fix other people’s problems? Have you seen the state of the world?!
For months I resisted caring for myself. After I quit residency, I had a falling out with my family and ended up moving in with my then boyfriend and his dog. I essentially became a live-in caregiver to my now ex, but that’s another story for another time.
While living in CT, I also started a non-profit that ultimately went nowhere because I was pulled in too many directions. I would run in one direction at full steam, face plant into my PTSD, and then switch directions and run at something else.
It felt like I kept moving from the fire into the frying pan. I broke up with my boyfriend, lived with a friend for a month, and then packed up all my things and drove my dog and my bus to South Dakota. On my drive to SD, I wasn’t really sure where I was going to be living.
I worried about what I would do with my reactive dog, Lola. She couldn’t live with other animals, and I didn’t have anyone I could stay with longterm in SD that would also be able to accommodate her.
My bank account was dwindling down to the dregs. Every time I thought about getting a job, my PTSD would rear its ugly head.
At this point I was exhausted. I was finally willing to acknowledge that I couldn’t keep trying to ignore my PTSD and depression by just staying busy. It wasn’t working.
After a lot of thought, I decided to swallow my pride and move to Washington to live with my parents. I struggle to accept help from people. In my mind, if someone helps me, I now owe them. Otherwise they have something they can hold over my head in the future.
I don’t feel worthy of someone just helping me to be nice. There has to be a price to pay for that kindness. Nothing is free, right?
Last week I flew to CT to get my car and drive it back. On my drive to SD, I realized this was a narrative that’s been playing in the background. I’d been listening to Warrior Goddess Training on CD and Heather Ash Amara talks about these agreements we unconsciously accept throughout our lives.
What I’ve realized is that I am at a time in my life where I can’t do things by myself. I need help to get back on my feet. My old narrative is that I am not worthy of help and that I must always give something back for everything I get or that I should feel deeply ashamed.
That old narrative is actively hurting me right now. It’s time to toss it in the trash and start fresh. If someone chooses to help me, I can be grateful for their help, but I need to let go of thinking I am obligated to find a way to pay them back.
If someone chooses to hold that over my head later and say, “Well you owe me because I did x for you,” that is their choice. I am not obligated to feel guilty or ashamed.
Unless there are terms of agreement about how someone gives you help, you don’t owe anyone for what they have chosen to freely give you. And if they try to make you feel otherwise, that’s on them, not on you.
So right now, even though it sometimes feels like everything is going to hell in a handbasket, I’m trying to give myself the grace I need to heal. If I don’t allow myself to prioritize my own health and wellbeing, I won’t be any help to anyone else.
