Day 28: My Addictions

Constant Business and Emotional Eating

It’s amazing how much we accomplish WITHOUT giving ourselves credit for it. Getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. Putting clothes on is an accomplishment. Taking a shower, walking the dog, feeding your children. These are all accomplishments.

We don’t think of them that way, often because they have become part of our routine and we don’t notice the energy we expend doing these things. At least not until our world turns upside down. Maybe we become depressed, suffer an injury, or fall ill, and suddenly those easy tasks become a challenge. 

When something like that happens, we tend to beat ourselves up instead of acknowledging how much we had been doing up until then. We say, “Jeez! Even getting out of bed is hard,” discrediting our efforts to begin with. We think that if we aren’t doing EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME ALL AT ONCE, then clearly there’s something wrong with us.

But that’s society’s insistence that we be productive in order to justify taking up space. The reality is that we are already enough as we are, and we do enough just by showing up in the world every day. Even if that means we wake up in the morning and roll back over in bed. 

Your worth as a human being is not made up of the things you do, the accomplishments you achieve, or your impact on society. You’re born with it, baby. Just like energy, your worth is conserved. 

Cars may depreciate in value, but not you. You’re just as valid and worthy as any other being on this planet. And you didn’t need to do anything to earn that. You just are.

I believe this deep in my bones, even though I often don’t think it applies to me. Ha! Aren’t humans funny? 

To believe something about other people but struggle to see it yourself. Again, an example of programming that messes with our view of reality.  But that’s ok. 

I can keep coming back to my understanding of other people’s worth, and slowly remind myself that I am worthy too. It’s ok that I didn’t accomplish every single goal I set out to accomplish this week. What’s more important to me is that I made a few people smile, enjoyed snuggling with my dog, and soaked up a little sunshine. 

Those things matter to me more than ticking off boxes on my to-do list. We are all human beings, not human doings. In the words of neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, “Although many of us may think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, biologically we are feeling creatures that think.”

One of the reasons I (and many other people) struggle to enjoy simply being is that business has been a way to ignore my emotions. It has been a way to disconnect from myself and drown out hard truths I don’t want to hear. But like any other addiction, it comes at a cost.

According to Mirriam-Webster, an addiction “is a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence.” 

I think that definition does a good job of covering the meaning of addiction in its entirety. But to simplify, my rule of thumb is that an addiction is any habit that feels good in the moment, is used to run away from something else, and bites you in the butt in the long-term. Some habits function as an addiction for one person, but a perfectly healthy habit for someone else.

My main addictions are staying way too busy and emotional eating. Both of these addictions are habits I picked up during my childhood, and I have a pretty good understanding of why I have them. I’m working on tackling that first addiction.

When I stop being busy, I start to get very anxious. I tend to think of myself as being lazy or incompetent for taking a day off. I feel like a piece of trash. The existential dread sets in of “WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?!” I want to start climbing the walls.

But I can redirect myself by finding gentle activities that I genuinely enjoy. Taking myself out to brunch, soaking up some sunshine, enjoying a walk in nature, reading a good book, taking a bubble bath, snuggling with my dog. It’s taking time and patience, but I’m beginning to step off the hamster wheel so I can live with intention.

As for the emotional eating? I’m not ready to tackle that yet, and that’s ok. We can’t do everything all at once. It doesn’t work that way. 

I have a plan for when I’m ready, but I’m not there yet. And for once, I’m not beating myself up about it. I’m giving myself a little grace to focus on one thing at a time.

With that, I will leave you to remember you are worthy exactly as you are. And I invite you to gently explore the habits that may serve as addictions for you. Are you ready to begin pulling one of those threads?