On and off the last few days I’ve sat down to write my daily public journal entry. I’ve started, and then about half way through I stop. In part, because damn, the stuff I’ve been thinking about and going through has been heavyyy!
Shame has been on my mind a lot lately. Not me being ashamed, but the concept of shame. And how it wreaks havoc on people.
It’s bad news bears, and I’m pretty sure you can’t convince me otherwise (although you’re welcome to try). I believe shame is something we are taught in childhood. It’s a manipulative tool used to control us.
It turns out it’s a lot easier to have someone patrol their own actions than having to do it all the time yourself! That’s what shame does. It forces people to patrol their own actions, but it’s at the benefit of someone else.
It’s not something innate within us. It’s about what other people want us to believe is bad so we don’t do it. One of the biggest problems with this is that it can absolutely destroy people.
When we have shame around mental illness, vulnerability, physical weakness, it can lead us to not ask for help or what we need. And at times, it can get to the point where it literally kills us. Shame is toxic for the individual.
It is only helpful for upholding power structures. Again, it’s much easier to have people police themselves than to have someone else police them all the time. And please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.
I’m not saying that we don’t need to have laws and consequences for our actions. In society, we need rules and expectations for how to live alongside one another. But we can have consequences for actions without shame in the equation.
Shame allows wounds to fester, become infected, and spread. The person who has shame around the trauma that happened to them hides from others and is afraid to get help. Which can lead to debilitating PTSD that permeates their entire life.
There is no room for shame if you want to learn to love and value yourself. It will get in the way of your personal growth journey every single time. So what do we do about shame?
Brené Brown says that the antidote to shame is vulnerability. We shine a light on the dark places that scare us, and bring all of that stinky, dusty stuff out into the sun and fresh air. Vulnerability hoses off all the shame until we are left with what really is rather than what we fear it to be.
When we face our shame, we can accept reality as it is. We can take a deep breath and see what we really have to work with. And then we can get to work moving forward with our values, our hopes and dreams, and the resources at our disposal.
You can start small, with the little flashlight on your phone. But I hope you will work up to shining that light so bright your neighbors complain. Let that floodlight burn away your shame and allow you to face yourself as the beautiful, flawed human that you are.
Love you,
Jess
