Boy have I had lots of narratives to change over the past two years. Back in May, I moved my dog, my stuff, my bus, and myself from CT to SD, and then onto WA. But because there is only one of me, I had to leave my car behind in CT with a friend.
I took a one-way ticket to CT a few weeks ago so I could retrieve my car. While I was in CT, I was blessed to stay with a friend I had made during my time in Norwich. She, like me, is struggling to find her next steps forward in life. But she is one resilient badass.
This wonderful human doesn’t have a lot, but she was more than happy to share with me that week. She lives in a studio apartment and was more than willing to let me take up her whole damn living room with my air mattress.
Another friend of mine in CT that stands out to me is in a similar boat. He is someone with very little in the way of financial resources, but has a heart of gold. This guy bends over backwards to help people. He would give the shirt off his back if he thought someone needed it more than he did.
It blows my mind that I have friends who are willing to give what they can without holding it over my head or expecting anything in return. I’m not used to having reciprocal relationships in my life. It’s one of the reasons I’ve historically been wary of accepting help from others.
But this is a narrative I’m learning to shift. As I’ve mentioned earlier, the story that receiving help puts me at a disadvantage or at risk for pain no longer serves me. I’m beginning to see that I am just as worthy as anyone else who asks for and receives help, and that receiving help from others can be a beautiful experience.
As I’ve been driving these past few weeks, I’ve been listening to Heather Ash Amara’s Warrior Goddess Training on CD. She talks a lot about the narratives (or stories) we have created and held onto throughout our life. Some of these stories serve us well, and others don’t.
Heather invites us to begin to observe our minds with kindness and curiosity. She encourages us to slowly become aware of all the different stories in our minds and look at each one and decide whether to keep it, modify it, or let it go.
Whether I fully recognized it or not, this is what I have been doing since I was in the partial program back in RI. I’ve been looking at all the stories I tell myself about how I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do with my life, or how the world is supposed to be. And slowly, one by one, I’m learning to let go of the ones that don’t work for me anymore.
I’m learning to speak with my own voice, embrace my whimsy and humor, take life a little less seriously, pursue joy and authentic connections with others. And while it’s like pulling teeth sometimes, I’m beginning to see that the parts I like about myself the least are the parts that make me unique. These parts add spice and color.
When we compare ourselves to society’s ideals, we are all deeply flawed in one way or another. But that doesn’t have to be a source of shame. As humans, we are all a lot more alike than we realize. Our “flaws” add diversity to an otherwise monotonous, white-washed world.
In one of his lectures, philosopher Alan Watts talked about a conversation he’d had with geneticists and ethicistis about genetic engineering in humans. He said to them: “Look, if there’s anything you can do, just be sure that a vast variety of human beings is maintained.” He goes on, “Don’t please bring us down to a few excellent types, excellent for what we never know how circumstances are going to change. And how our need for different kinds of people changes.”
His point is that as humans with our flawed ways of understanding ourselves and the world around us, we will never know what will be needed as the world changes and we are forced to adapt. That is why our diversity as a species is so critical. To decide that one kind of person is better than another is to shoot ourselves in the collective foot.
We need all kinds of people, even if we don’t see the value in how one person lives their life in a certain way. If you’ve stuck with me this long, you may be asking, “Dr. Jess, what the heck does this all have to do with each other?!”
My point is that the survival of our species relies on diversity, and we never know what will be useful. So instead of worrying so much about how you fit in with everyone else, focus that time and energy on what works for you. Keep the narratives that work for you, create new ones that pump you up, and toss the ones that make you feel small, broken, or stuck.
